Good Enough
by Ishasuki Mitochi
Summary: Kain and Ruka's twisted relationship just got worse.
1. Chapter 1

**To enhance your reading experience, please listen to Good Enough by Evanescence (to which the lyrics here belong) while you read. A link is provided on my profile to the official music video on YouTube.**

_Under your spell again._

"Kain?" I don't even have to look up to know what I'll see. Your big blue eyes looking miserable. Whatever you want, I'll give it to you.

_I can't say no to you._

Even when you ask for something so agonizing, I give it to you.

_Crave my heart and it's bleeding in your hand._

You can't have his love, it belongs to someone else. You feel alone, worthless, and you know I can make you feel loved. You don't love me, but you crave being loved, regardless. Even my pain makes you feel better, wrong as it is, because it means I really care about you.

_I can't say no to you._

Even though it hurts, I tell you again how much I love you, knowing that all you want is the comfort and security of it.

_Shouldn't let you torture me so sweetly.  
Now I can't let go of this dream._

In an attempt to make up for hurting me so much,_ (so you do have a heart), _you tell me I'm your best friend, that I've made you feel so much better, that no one else has ever been as good to you as I have. But I worry I might start to believe I have a chance, that you might start to love me, and I can't let go of the idea. Even though I know it's just a dream._  
_

_I can't breathe but I feel...  
Good enough,  
I feel good enough for you._

I get something out of this, too. I start to feel Good Enough for you. Accepted.  
_  
Drink up sweet decadence.  
I can't say no to you,  
And I've completely lost myself, and I don't mind.  
I can't say no to you.  
_

You revel in this, almost drinking in my love. Pretty soon I lose myself, my desires and my agony, just going on. Your teary eyes compel me to continue, further than ever before, holding your hand and telling you everything I love about you, in detail. I vaguely realize that this should hurt, but I've lost _me_ and there's only _you_ now, so I don't mind.

_Shouldn't let you conquer me completely.  
Now I can't let go of this dream.  
Can't believe that I feel..._

_Good enough,  
I feel good enough.  
It's been such a long time coming, but I feel good._

_  
_I shouldn't let you rule me so entirely, I shouldn't bend to your will. This torture isn't something I should let you put me through. The worst part of it is that I believe it, for a moment, when you thank me and your eyes say _I love you._ I _know_ that you don't really love me, but I feel good now, almost high, and I can't make myself snap out of it.

_ And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall.  
Pour real life down on me.  
'Cause I can't hold on to anything this good enough.  
Am I good enough for you to love me too?'  
_

You've already left, and but I still sit on the sofa we shared. I'm waiting for the pain to come. You've been gone for hours, and soon I'll see you and _him_ both, and I'll see the way you look at him, and reality will slap me in the face. This feeling of being _good enough_ never stays. But for this moment, I still have hope. If I'm good enough, will you love me too someday?

_  
So take care what you ask of me,  
'cause I can't say no._

It crashes all of a sudden and I know you'll never love me. _Please,_ I want to beg, _don't ever ask me to do that again._ I curl up in a fetal position and cry, because I couldn't say no.

**Well, that was emotionally exaughsting to write. In case anyone's confused, the gist of that was Ruka feels worthless and horrible because she'll never be good enough for Kaname, so she asks Kain to make her feel better. This isn't the first time, and it won't be the last, but Kain can't say no. **

**I don't own Vampire Knight, Evanescance, or this song, but I sure wish I did. Please review!  
**


	2. Why

**I don't own Vampire Knight or Why by secondhand Serenade, or said awesome band. Enjoy the angst.**  
_The buttons on my phone are worn thin  
I don't think that I knew the chaos I was getting in.  
But I've broken all my promises to you  
I've broken all my promises to you.  
_

I sit on the edge of the chair, head in hands, looking away, afraid to make eye contact with you. I thought I knew what I was getting into when I made myself the person you could run too. When I not only listened, but actually _comforted_ you, and made myself the keeper of your secrets. I never said it aloud, but I swore to you mentally that I wouldn't let it confuse me. I swore that nothing would make me think I had a chance. _I made a promise._ But I broke it.

_  
Why do you do this to me?  
Why do you do this so easily?  
You make it hard to smile because  
You make it hard to breathe  
Why do you do this to me?  
_

Why do you look at me that way? As though I have all the answers. You think of me as an older brother. I slam my fist into the wall, cracking the plaster, sending dust and shards of material flying. Why do you do this? You're hurting me. It's so hard to pretend, to smile, because I can hardly even _breathe. _Stop asking me to help you!

_  
A phrasing that's a single tear,  
Is harder than I ever feared  
And you were left feeling so alone.  
Because these days aren't easy  
Like they have been once before  
These days aren't easy anymore.  
_

A single tear slips down your cheek when you meet my eyes. Wordless, you're so eloquent. I can see on your face that you're sorry. _Regret,_ it says. But smaller, half-suppressed, I see _fear, and loneliness. _You're going to leave and try to do this alone, because you've seen the pain you're causing me. There was a time when things were so much easier, when I could read you like a book, and you never even glanced at me. Now that you've noticed me, you won't let me help you anymore.

_  
Why do you do this to me?  
Why do you do this so easily?  
You make it hard to smile because  
You make it hard to breathe  
Why do you do this to me?  
To me, to me, to me._

Why is this so hard? It doesn't make sense. I love you, you love him, he loves her. That's all there is to it. Why can't I make myself see that? Why can't _you_ make yourself see that? You're trying so hard now not to hurt me, but it's impossible. And you can't accept that. You think there must be a way to keep all the pain to yourself, but you don't even consider that I'm searching for a way to spare _your_ pain, and that I'd take it all if I could too. I try to reassure you, but I can't pretend anymore, can't smile because I can hardly breathe. I feel like I'm submerged in deep water, slowly suffocated for lack of air, and slowly crushed by pressure.

_ I should have known this wasn't real  
And fought it off and fought to feel  
What matters most? Everything  
That you feel while listening to every word that I sing.  
I promise you I will bring you home  
I will bring you home.  
_

I'll do better, you'll see. I just have to remember, however much of a struggle it is, that you are what's most important. And I will. I promise. I'll be careful this time, I'll go slowly, pretend to get over you, so you won't hurt for me anymore, so you won't blame yourself for my pain. I'll never let you see that I love you again. You can return to our childhood, when we were best friends and happy, with no baggage and no regrets.

_Why do you do this to me?  
Why do you do this so easily?  
You make it hard to smile because  
You make it hard to breathe  
Why do you do this to me?_

The pain I feel at this resolution to bury my feelings forever is sharp and intense, stifling and burning, and only worsens my difficulty breathing. It shocks me and makes me feel proud and ashamed, joyful and desolate at the same time. Proud- I will do this even though it's the hardest thing I could ask- no, require of myself; ashamed because I somehow feel I'm deceiving myself, that maybe this is some kind of easy way out, that it might not be as difficult as something else _(Living with the truth and seeing your pain) _and I'm making a mistake. I feel joy because I know, despite my strange doubts, that this will spare you pain. And Desolation is my fault. I'm still deluded enough to feel this with take away some slim _(nonexistent_) chance of persuading you to love me.

_Why do you do this to me?  
Why do you do this so easily?  
You make it hard to smile because  
You make it hard to breathe  
Why do you do this to me?  
To me, to me, to me._

As I picture your face when I tell you it was just a passing crush _(infatuation)_, I can't help but wonder, _Why me?_


End file.
